Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings in hi-vis jackets.
Boris Johnson: I’ve told you before Dom, I have no desire to witness the consequences of my own actions.
Dominic Cummings: Prime Minister, it’s necessary. The focus groups are saying the public want to see you getting more directly involved.
Boris Johnson: It just seems against my, you know, liberal British values of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Dominic Cummings: Those are American values, sir.
Boris Johnson: Well, I am American, even if I gave up my citizenship to avoid paying tax!
Dominic Cummings: That is very American, Prime Minister.
Boris Johnson: Do I look alright?
Dominic Cummings: They’re all pissed, sir.
Boris Johnson: They’ll eat me alive like a lump of fried lard!
Dominic Cummings: Yes, but you need to be their lump of fried lard. Get in or I’ll kick you!
Sounds of a busy pub.
Boris Johnson: Listen up, er… er… boozers!
Drinker: Hey, it’s Boris!
Boris Johnson: Yes it is, your upstanding Prime Minister and, and as it’s now 9.55 in the evening, and I have to tell you to, er, er… drink up and go home!
Boris Johnson: Yes, sort of ‘drink up then get out’, to paraphrase Rishi, not that any of you should pay any real attention to him.
Drinker Two: But I’ve just ordered –
Dominic Cummings: Tough. Out!
Boris Johnson: It’s the new rules, terribly, er, er, sorry.
Drinker Three: But I’m eating.
Dominic Cummings: Throw your food in the bin!
Drinker Three: But –
Dominic Cummings: Scrape off the veg!
Sound of a breaking glass.
Female Drinker: Prime Minister!
Boris Johnson: Yes, attractive young woman.
Female drinker: I voted for you. And I thought you were freedom loving. And now you’re telling us that we have to go home right in the middle of our night out?
Dominic Cummings: Don’t listen to her, Prime Minister.
Female drinker: Do listen to me, Prime Minister.
Boris Johnson: Dom, Dom, do listen to this, er, I must say, buxom young woman. How could anyone tell the Great British Drinker that he cannot have his or her or their pint? Or in this person’s case pint, pie and gravy and what’s that?
Drinker Three: Mushy peas.
Boris Johnson: Well I say you have a right to your mushy peas!
A murmur of agreement.
Boris Johnson: And, and this vile policy that I – I – just introduced – as well as any other ones you don’t like – now or in future – well just I say – to hell with it! How dare my government interfere with your lives!
Boris Johnson: Never! Never! Barkeep – buy everyone a round! We must and shall defeat this horrendous government overreach by – drinking all night! And later – all doing shots!
Loud cheers and singing of ‘For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow’.
Dominic Cummings: It’s going to be a long night.