1). Sleep with Ryan Gosling. Handsome, well-read and articulate – and you are too. There’s never going to be a better decade than your 20s to sleep with the Gos.
2). Put a pen up your arse. Because nothing says ‘I’m in my 20s’ more than having a biro shoved up your backside.
3). Turn 20. Because what can be more authentically 20s than actually being 20.
4). Learn a language. Why not start with the language of the country you live in? Take advantage of that plastic 20s brain!
5). Visit Paris – and do a shit in the toilets at the Louvre while quietly crying to yourself. Vive la France!
6). Go on, right the way up there, the whole pen.
7). Your 20s is the freest time of your life. So amuse yourself and others by paying in restaurants with little notes saying ‘I’m young and you are old!’
8). But your 20s is about preparing for your 30s, too. Try to decide which of your future children you would save in an eventual Sophie’s Choice style scenario.
9). Run up crippling emotional, financial and spiritual debts. You’ll have the rest of your life to pay off those bad boys!
10). Manu Picchu.
11). Spend a year answering all questions put to you in a Christopher Walken accent. Because twenties.
12). Bury a wooden chest full of doubloons to form the object of a zany but ultimately uplifting quest for your grandchildren in their 20s! Did someone say magical wacky adventure? Did someone say 20s?
13). Fight and die in World War Two. Nothing says ‘I’m in my 20s’ like making the ultimate sacrifice in this great historical conflict.14). Now bring it out to the nib.
15). Your 20s can be a time for reflection too. Spend a few months in the stomach of a giant whale, ruminating on God’s mystery and the gravity of the demands He sets upon us earthly mortals. Don’t forget to floss.
16). Feeling bold? Gently break to Pierce Brosnan how badly he’s aging. He’ll be comforted by your youthful vigour, and gracefully retire from action roles.
18) Do begin to accept your own mortality, insignificance and increasing loss of physical and intellectual capacity.
(Just kidding! Save all that for the morning of your 30th birthday. If there’s one thing that your twenties teaches you it’s that anyone over the age of 29 is an evolutionarily-redundant bumtoad!)
19). Do learn to stop putting additional pressure on yourself by setting arbitrary milestones in the form of random and meaningless lists.
20). What do you mean the pen is stuck?